Jesus says PREORDER NOW!

Issue 8 has just hit the Presale on our page!  www.gorenoirmagazine.bigcartel.com to pick yourself up one!  Either grab it now while it's $10 a piece or wait and pay $13.  It's up to you..  The cover features the amazing artist Godmachine and his bloody amazing depiction of Medusa.  This bitch will turn you to stone if you don't buy a copy.  Fuck.. I went there..  Sorry..  So moving along..  Let's talk about who's in this issue and why you should buy it.

Steve Tefft is a tattoo artist.  He loves all things dark and morbid and inks them on people.  Steve was also crowned "Ink Master" on Spike's reality show of the same name.  Yea that one reality show with that guitarist guy.  You'll see some of Steve's awesome work in issue 8.  There's definitely a strong God/Jesus theme going on with this issue.  I swear it wasn't on purpose but it would have been awesome to have came out around Easter huh?

 Next up is "Fist of Jesus" and head over to our Facebook and look on the wall for the video to watch this awesome short movie about Jesus and zombies..  and there's a lot of fish involved..  Don't worry they're fake..  I'm sure no animals were harmed in the shooting of Fist of Jesus unless a bug or two was accidentally smothered in the INSANE AMOUNT of blood that is spilled.  www.facebook.com/gorenoir  I first found the guys who made FOJ when I happened upon their short Brutal Relax on the Popcorn Horror app.  (if you have an iphone you need to download this app)  They definitely cater to my type of crowd..  The guys who like over the top splatter and just crazy funny horror that doesn't take itself too seriously.  If you take yourself seriously..  STOP!  Just take deep breathes and move on..  It'll be okay we swear..  Okay maybe it won't be okay and we're going to hell in a handbasket but let's at least have some fun before we get there?

 God Module!  Yup more God..   We have an interview with Jasyn from God Module and some awesome photography by Obscuri to go along with said interview..  And we hit you with one of our shitty "Fuck, Marry, Kill"s and you'll have to buy the mag to find out who we threw into the fire pit of FMK this time..  You can learn a lot about a person by thrown a Fuck Marry Kill at them..  Not many people are expecting that out of a prestigious, high society magazine such as ours..  Then it's like..  BAM!  FUCK MARRY KILL!  NOW!  Alright here's one for you if you made it this far into this post..  Cameron Diaz, Mila Kunis, Olga Kurylenko..  Post who you'd fuck, who you'd marry.. and who you'd kill (and how) in the comments section down there vvvvv

El Six String!!  This dude is from Austin and we found his artwork when we were eating some food at a local restaurant.  We actually sat under the piece that you see to the left.  I really want a piece of art by this guy on our wall ASAP!  Anyway..  If you can't tell this guy works in Vinyl..  The shiny, sparkly low rider type of vinyl.  It's all cut out by hand and sew together.  He gives us the exact procedure in the article but.. MAN!  This guy's amazing!!  We have a bunch of other artists and musicians and models.. Such as IDSFA, The Rhythm Coffin (article by VooDoo Rob!), Lost or Forgotten Photography, Digital Pulse, and all kinds other types of stuff in store for you for this issue so grab a preorder and wait patiently!!

www.gorenoirmagazine.bigcartel.com

Bloody Boobs, Things, and Stuff

Now that I've got your attention I'm just going to show you a bunch of pictures and say some random shit about them.  Well shit..  That's pretty much what blogging is anyway right?  Half the time they aren't even telling you anything interesting anyway.  You've probably even stopped reading by now and have gone all A.D.D. on me and are just looking at the lovely ladies and the shitty art.  It's okay that's probably what I would have done as well.

Top left you'll see my photoshopping skills in action as I've compiled all 4 of the covers of the next 3 magazines..  3 magazines and 4 covers?  What the fuck?  Well the sick and depraved issue will have 2 covers (first 2) and then the 3rd one over is the 8th issue...  Everyone stare at the loveliness of the Godmachine cover..  Okay now the next one there is Black and White.  No your screen is fine it's actually black and white and will be in a "zine" format.  That means we'll be cutting and pasting to our hearts delight and giving you that freshly pasted feel to it.

Now to the left you'll see my ahmazin' artin skills at work.  This is the beginnings of a "metal" logo that I'm working on and will be featured on an alternative cover of the magazine..  Which issue you ask?  Fuck if I know..  Will there be shirts you ask?  Of fucking course!  Lots of lime green and white will be featured in the logo and subsequent art that will come with it.  The art I'm going to pass off to a better artist but I'm loving working on the logo itself.  *burp*  Well maybe we'll do a red version as well.  Make it look all bloody and shit..  Cause really you guys come here for the blood and boobs and not much else right?  Right?  Well shit..  That's fine..

So last but not least we had our Blood Lust event not too long ago and I'd like to thank Gaige and Suzi Rubbish for helping put this together!  I'd also like to thank Marcy Horror for coming out and blood wrestling for us!  She's going to be our first ever Gore Noir Girl and will be featured in issue 8.  There were so many awesome blood wrestlers that I would run out of space here in my ramblings to thank them all but you can see and "get to know" them in our upcoming Blood Lust DVD which will be out in about 3 months time.  Might take longer so don't quote me on that because we won't rush something just to put it out there.  We want it to be it's bloody best!  Below is an image of Marcy Horror and Crakka Jappa getting down in our pool of blood that ended up hemorrhaging blood..  The ladies were getting down like that!  Thanks SAcounterculture.com for coming and interviewing us and shooting photos!

Hellraiser: Revelations

When it comes to horror, Hellraiser is definitely one of my top 3 movies.  Pinhead being one of my favorite all time movie monsters as well you could say that Doug Bradley is definitely up there as far as iconic actors in the genre go.  So why would I watch a Hellraiser movie that chose to forgo Mr. Bradley as his alter ego Pinhead?  Well I choose to watch certain movies just for the purpose of having the information needed to form an educated opinion.  I could blindly hate Hellraiser: Revelations and leave it at that.  I could be a purist and write the whole movie off because it had nothing to do with Clive Barker or Doug Bradley, or I could watch the movie and now be able to form an educated opinion.

I chose to watch the film. (I've been sick and with the amount of horror that I haven't watched on Netflix dwindling why not?)  I may catch some flack from the purists and that's perfectly fine.  I sure can't be loved by everyone so why not be hated by most?  So let's dive into this film.

Let's live in a fantasy world for a minute.  Let's imagine that instead of the Pinhead you see at the top left, you actually see Doug Bradley.  Yes he jumped on board with this film and now you're in the theatre seat ready to watch the next installment in Hellraiser.  With that in mind and all your predisposed anger at his replacement gone, let's figure out this film.  While there are lot's of problems with the film I think it actually came closer to the formula of the originals than most of the 8 some odd sequels did.  My main gripe with this film (remember we are imagining Doug Bradley is playing Pinhead lol) is the feeling that we get when we see the Cenobites.  The world they are living in just doesn't feel dirty and evil enough.  I really thought they were in this families basement for awhile.  Actually I'm not quite sure that they weren't even after seeing the whole film.

The acting wasn't all that bad when you're considering how rushed I'm sure this film was.  I've heard this film was just thrown together so that they could keep the rights to the name if I'm not mistaken.  We get a couple skinless folks thrown in which were done pretty well..  Not completely skinless of course because that would be expensive but you get the point.  I would have liked a bit more over the top bloody scenes but I'm hard to please in that area so we won't fault them for lack of gore.

With all that I can safely say that I enjoyed the film a lot more than 70% of the Hellraiser movies.  It just felt like it belonged in the same world as the first couple films, and it didn't drop us into a video game or a gothic mansion party, so that's refreshing.  With sequels and remakes being a really touchy thing recently I really think that people should probably pump the brakes and take a step back and see these things with new eyes.  Maybe without those anger shaded glasses we all have on we might be able to enjoy a couple movies for what they are instead of expecting them to live up to our sense of nostalgia that we have for older films.

You can send all hate mail to:  info@gorenoir.com  just expect a reply to all the hate mail and also expect it to be posted to our facebook and possibly our blog. 

Horror on TV and why Zombieland TV show is not worth your time..

(This is more of a rant then it is a "review" I don't do "reviews" because people try to sound all educated and interesting and that's just not me.  I'd rather ramble aimlessly and just give you my opinion)

All your favorite characters are back for this TV show version of that awesome zombie comedy Zombieland!  Well they DO have the same names..  A few sound and look similar..  And ehmmm..  That's about it?  You know when you get a recipe and you're like..  Fuck it I'm going to try and make this..  And it comes out BEAUTIFULLY!  Who knows how it happened maybe it was some sort of witchcraft but the mix was perfect!  Then the next time you make it, who knows what happens.. You swear you put in the same ingredients..  It should have been the same right?  But it tastes HORRIBLE!?  Well this Zombieland series is that recipe in visual form.  The characters are just really flat in this, seemingly contrived attempt at milking the name for more money.  You can tell that they were coached to try and look/sound/act like the original characters but it just doesn't feel right.

Zombieland WAS originally supposed to be a TV series and maybe it might have done well if they were able to get the "gang" back, but that would have cost them WAY too much for a series like this.   It ended up (obviously) foregoing the TV for the big screen but going back to its original intended format hasn't done this one justice.  It just really misses the mark especially with it's use of the same characters but with different actors and actresses.  I won't go into detail about any of the actors and actresses but it's really hard to give someone gold and then later you try to spray paint some lead with a gold coating and expect people to just accept it.

It's almost an insult to us that they've put this out.  It would have been better if they had just gone with a new group of characters and just set it in the Zombieland world.  "Zombie kill of the week?"  Tallahassee says as he kills a zombie with a shot over his shoulder with a shotgun.  No..  Not even close!  The only original and funny part is when they actually show the Zombie kill of the week and that's a big 76 ball rolling down a parking ramp and squishing one of the zombies.  It's actually the only interested part of the whole first episode.

The group talks to a lady through their onstar navigation in the truck they are driving (complete with the 3 on the side) which just so happens to still work and the lady just so happens to know about all the survivors out there.  This little tidbit just makes me laugh and not in a good way.  I would go into more detail about this WHOLE part of the show but I won't.  I would like to say I paid attention to the whole thing but I ended up playing Candy Crush Saga about halfway through but I was listening..  And I did kinda give it my blurry eyed peripheral vision.

I wasn't happy with it from the beginning as soon as I knew this was supposed to be the same characters and that whole theme of unhappiness just continued through my experience with the film.  TV has been getting better and better for us horror people.  We've got Hannibal, The Following, (although some would say it's not horror and it's been kinda drawn out here for a bit) Dexter, True Blood, American Horror Story, etc.  I couldn't recommend Hannibal more as it is one of the better horror tv series that is on at the moment.

I will be watching Hemlock Grove here in a bit and I'll add on to this post with my thoughts on the first couple of episodes of that.  For all of you that are like me and we must watch just about every shitty movie or tv series that comes out just to have our own informed opinion on the situation here's the link to watch the first episode of Zombieland on Amazon:

Zombieland TV Series

Blood Lust and Texas Frightmare

With both Texas Frightmare and our Blood Lust San Antonio event coming up things are a bit stressful here at Gore Noir HQ.  Pile on top of that our move to a new spot and I'm pretty lucky to have any hair on my head right now.  We won't start talking about the greys that are coming in..

First let's talk about Blood Lust.  I just finished a mock up of the DVD case which will probably change a bit but we'll be bringing this bad boy wrapped around a dummy DVD box so people can get a feel for the packaging and purchase a presale if they'd like.  Presales will start at Texas Frightmare and will continue until a month before the DVD release.

The DVD won't be out until probably September or October so we have a ways out as we'll be putting some nice production value into the editing and whatnot.  Expect lots of bloody goodness in this sweet DVD!

Our table at Texas Frightmare will be in the same room as the folks from Walking Dead so when you go check out Norman Reedus (who will hopefully come by our booth) make sure you remember to come by our table and say hi, grab some stickers, and some magazines!  We'll be giving away free posters with all magazine purchases.

Sick & Depraved Unrated Issue

Anathema Photography

If you have liked our Facebook you've probably already seen the front cover of our Sick & Depraved Unrated Issue.  Well here's the equally as awesome back cover!  Back cover photo is by Anathema Photography who will be featured in the issue with all of her awesome photography uncensored for all of our sick fans!

The level of blood and guts for this issue is going to be extremely high.  There will also be all sorts of ladies naughty bits everywhere.  This issue will be 18+ and is not for the squeamish!  We are looking to pervert the hell out of horror with this one.  This issue will go on presale in April and will more than likely sell out just like all of our other issues.

Instagramma Jamma @gorenoirmag

I was trying to come up with a catchy title for awhile.. Gorestagram?  Instagore?  Na those sounds silly.. So I said fuck it and went really silly.. Anyway you name it the message is the same..  We are on Instagram!  Have been for awhile now.. You just haven't been following.. We'll deal with your lack of followingnessdom later.  For now you can make up for it by.. wait for it.. FOLLOWING!  You'll get lots of gems from our daily lives.. Lot's of pictures of our cats.. Of bloody chicks.. of my mexican food and some other things that you can't find on Facebook.  Have I sold you on it yet?  How about Follow or I'll hunt you down like Jason Vorhees?  SOLD!  @gorenoirmag