Horror on TV and why Zombieland TV show is not worth your time..

(This is more of a rant then it is a "review" I don't do "reviews" because people try to sound all educated and interesting and that's just not me.  I'd rather ramble aimlessly and just give you my opinion)

All your favorite characters are back for this TV show version of that awesome zombie comedy Zombieland!  Well they DO have the same names..  A few sound and look similar..  And ehmmm..  That's about it?  You know when you get a recipe and you're like..  Fuck it I'm going to try and make this..  And it comes out BEAUTIFULLY!  Who knows how it happened maybe it was some sort of witchcraft but the mix was perfect!  Then the next time you make it, who knows what happens.. You swear you put in the same ingredients..  It should have been the same right?  But it tastes HORRIBLE!?  Well this Zombieland series is that recipe in visual form.  The characters are just really flat in this, seemingly contrived attempt at milking the name for more money.  You can tell that they were coached to try and look/sound/act like the original characters but it just doesn't feel right.

Zombieland WAS originally supposed to be a TV series and maybe it might have done well if they were able to get the "gang" back, but that would have cost them WAY too much for a series like this.   It ended up (obviously) foregoing the TV for the big screen but going back to its original intended format hasn't done this one justice.  It just really misses the mark especially with it's use of the same characters but with different actors and actresses.  I won't go into detail about any of the actors and actresses but it's really hard to give someone gold and then later you try to spray paint some lead with a gold coating and expect people to just accept it.

It's almost an insult to us that they've put this out.  It would have been better if they had just gone with a new group of characters and just set it in the Zombieland world.  "Zombie kill of the week?"  Tallahassee says as he kills a zombie with a shot over his shoulder with a shotgun.  No..  Not even close!  The only original and funny part is when they actually show the Zombie kill of the week and that's a big 76 ball rolling down a parking ramp and squishing one of the zombies.  It's actually the only interested part of the whole first episode.

The group talks to a lady through their onstar navigation in the truck they are driving (complete with the 3 on the side) which just so happens to still work and the lady just so happens to know about all the survivors out there.  This little tidbit just makes me laugh and not in a good way.  I would go into more detail about this WHOLE part of the show but I won't.  I would like to say I paid attention to the whole thing but I ended up playing Candy Crush Saga about halfway through but I was listening..  And I did kinda give it my blurry eyed peripheral vision.

I wasn't happy with it from the beginning as soon as I knew this was supposed to be the same characters and that whole theme of unhappiness just continued through my experience with the film.  TV has been getting better and better for us horror people.  We've got Hannibal, The Following, (although some would say it's not horror and it's been kinda drawn out here for a bit) Dexter, True Blood, American Horror Story, etc.  I couldn't recommend Hannibal more as it is one of the better horror tv series that is on at the moment.

I will be watching Hemlock Grove here in a bit and I'll add on to this post with my thoughts on the first couple of episodes of that.  For all of you that are like me and we must watch just about every shitty movie or tv series that comes out just to have our own informed opinion on the situation here's the link to watch the first episode of Zombieland on Amazon:

Zombieland TV Series

Zombie Issue!

The issue that will be one of the best yet!  It's the all zombie issue!  We've got interviews with Greg Nicotero, the man who inked Zombie Boy Rick Genest, Norman Reedus, Matt Mogk of the Zombie Research Society, Mister Sam, Beat Black, The Zombie King, Zombie Manor, Goatboy, Walking Dead well zombie & Knb Efx wizard Brian Hillard, Zombie artist M. Darkside, James Hanks, Melissa Laroue, and many more!

Zombie Research Society - Issue 5

  Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse?  I'm guessing your McDonalds eating, PBR swilling, reality TV junky ass is far from ready.  I'm just guessin though.. Who knows.. maybe you're the next Jean Claude Van Dam..  You know.. womanizing.. cocaine hoovering.. all around good guy?  More than likely though you are a female because Gore Noir is all about the ladies.  Need proof?  Just check out the photo below of one of our lovely female fans who, because we love our fans, we've turned into a zombie... Well actually Goatboy turned her but still we were the party responsible for sicking Goatboy on her.. and doesn't she look lovely?




So ladies what do you like most about zombies?  Ok ok I'll stop trying to chat you up and get to the meat and potatoes of what we are getting at here with issue 5 of the magazine coming out in May.  Zombie Research Society, Matt Mogk and the guys who brought you the Walking Dead will be heavily involved in putting this issue together and they will be co-curating it.  Expect to see lots of rotting flesh and bloody corpses that walk around the earth searching for human food.  You will feast your eyes on lots of the undead fun bags and we'll even teach you a thing or two about surviving the apocalypse.  Okay I'm done now you can get back to that can of 1893's best brew.

Chad Chase of Venom Ink

 Chad Chase is one of those artists that has mastered his medium and is at a level that just about every tattoo artist wants to reach.  His ability to bring emotion up through the skin with needle and ink is amazing.  He mixes realism with a touch of the surreal with a perfection that not many can attain.  When you hear about people traveling to get tattoos by artists and you wonder "why would anyone do that" well my friends Chad is the reason why.  We all get the itch to get inked every once in awhile but why throw just anything on us when someone like Mr. Chase can turn your skin into a piece of true art?  I'd much rather look down at my body and see awesome ink than I would look down and see some scratchers sloppy lines on me.

Look for more of Chad's and other amazing tattoo artists work in the next Gore Noir magazine!  Issue #2 is available for purchase and features some hot inked ladies as a 11x17 poster!

Jay Bird - Patient 247 - Working on issue 2

Welp it's about the time to start working on a new issue and keep that momentum going!  What better way to get the creative juices flowing than with some zombie ladies spilling their bodily fluids all over the page?  That's not a question because there is no better way.. Jay gets into some nice detail with his zombie art and still leaves you with a smile because there's a bit of sense of humor there with his art.  The ladies seem to be living life as normal like nothing has changed..  "Oh my arm is half gone? Doesn't stop me from partying one bit.."  You'll definitely want to check out his artwork in the next issue of Gore Noir and all the other artists I have in store for you kids.  Just imagine issue #1 on steriods (so much so that it's eyes have bugged out and the skin can't keep the muscles inside.. POP!)  Until the next post do us a favor and let your friends know about us will you?  We're relying on word of mouth!

Cold Blue Rebels

I was down in Santee California (dont worry if you dont know where that is I was calling it San Diego the whole time) and as me and my buddy drunkenly staggered out of our hotel room we noticed our next door neighbors were getting all done up zombie-like.  Little did we know our neighbors were Mickey Finn lead singer and Joe Normal from CBR.  They were going on stage in less than an hour and the girls still needed their bloody zombie make up applied and Mickey's mohawk was yet to make its glourious appearance.  We introduced ourselves I told em about my clothing line and said our ourevoir we'd see them on stage.. Not really realizing what we were in store for.  We met up with some other friends at the spot and 2 songs into the Cold Blue Rebels set I realized I was groovin to the music and wanted to see who it was.  With my first glimpse of the stage I saw The Pumpkin King (Mickey) on his knees with some hot undead zombie in his face.  To me CBR sounds like a cross between The Cramps and Gene Vincent with a little down home country making its appearance throughout.  Just listening to their cd isnt enough you have to have the whole experience and see them live.  So do yourself a favor and go see em.. or if you don't see that they are playing your home town.  Book them! 

Mohawkian zombie masterpiece

Sculpting madman Aris (or BOULARIS on deviant art) has an awesome imagination and an even more gruesomely wicked hand for making these detailed monstrosities.  You'll see witches, zombies, aliens, wolves, you name it it'll be featured in his article in Gore Noir magazine coming soon!